I Am Just Speculating

I am just speculating.  By Han Han.  January 17, 2010.

2010: China begins an Internet clean-up campaign with the slogan: "If
you stop beating someone for 3 days, he/she may get on the roof and
remove tiles."  (Note:三天不打,上房揭瓦is a Chinese saying.  When applied to
children, the notion is that you beat your child in order to make
him/her behave (as in respecting authority, maintaining discipline and
being a good citizen) and, conversely, if you don't beat your child,
he/she will misbehave.  It also applies to wife-beating.)

2010: The relevant department expands the list of banned terms.  The
Chinese word for "file" (which has the same sound as Party) and the
English letter "D" disappear in mainland China.  Dangdang was changed
to Angang, while Douban became Ouban.

2010 June: The government inaugurates the "Protect the Children"
campaign.  Children's Day is elevated to the same status as National
Day.  It is also announced that all information that is unfavorable to
the healthy development of children and adolescents will be strictly
prohibited.  At the same time, the Shanghai World Expo introduces the
slogan "World Expo, World Expo, catch ten thousand adulterous couples
in bed" in order to conduct online and offline anti-pornography
(anti-"yellow") campaigns simultaneously.  The government makes it
clear that anything and everything connected to pornography shall be
censored because they stand for obscenity and feudalism.  Elementary
school students are mobilized to march in the streets to demonstrate
against anything pornographic ("yellow").

2010 July: The Elementary School Students Patriotic Committee finds
out that the five yellow-colored five-pointed stars on the national
flag are inconsistent with contemporary progressive ideas.  The
relevant department decides to change the five-pointed stars from
yellow to red.

2010 August: The government discovers that the red five-pointed stars
are the same color as the background, so that it is hard to find them.
Representatives of elementary school students propose the
five-pointed stars be changed into green color, to represent green
scarves and Green Dam.

2010: Based upon the recommendations of the Elementary School Students
Loving Care Committee and representatives of elementary school
students, the government tightens the censorship standards on
photographs, with guiding principles such as "erect nipples equal bare

2010: All Internet forum masters are formally given public service
worker status.

2010: The government introduces a brand new Internet Great Wall.  This
Great Wall system is based upon the collective wisdom of innumerable
of experts from all walks of life in China.  They work together at a
military base.  The satellite photos of their work site was
misinterpreted by people inside and outside of China as those of an
aircraft carrier under construction.

2011 January: The government allocates 100 billion yuan to hire
Internet commentators from its next round of economic stimulation
package.  The pay for Internet commentators rises from 50 cents per
post to 1 yuan per post.  The target for 2011 is to have 100 billion
positive posts.  The Fifty-cent Gang members at the various forums
weep in gratitude because their long, arduous work over the years has
finally allowed them to join the big team.  From there on, the ratio
of Internet commentators versus normal people is about 50:50 at the
large Internet forums.

2011:  Google, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter announce that they are
re-entering China and opening up registration.  At the same time, the
aforementioned websites announce from the United States that they are
not developing any businesses in China.  But their announcements are
instantly censored, so that nobody in China knows.

2011: All those who register at the aforementioned websites are
systematically tracked down by the Great Wall system.  Their computers
are re-installed.  Afterwards, if the users want to visit a
general-purpose website, they can only reach People.com.cn and Xinhua;
if they want to visit a forum, they can only go to Strong Nation Forum
and Tiexue Forum; if they want to visit a video site, they can only go
to CCTV 1.  Once the system is re-installed this way, there is no way
to undo the settings.

2011: The price of computers goes up by 100%.  Computer scalpers
proliferate.  When users buy new computers, they find that they can
only access the aforementioned websites.

2011: Housing prices go up by 100%.  At the real estate transaction
websites, the housing unit must be identified as either "full Internet
access" or "restricted Internet access."

2011: Southern Metropolis Daily and Southern Weekend are renamed Male
Metropolis Daily and Male Weekend, and reclassified as marital agency
newspapers.  The ratio of Internet commentators and ordinary people
there reaches 9 to 1.

2011: A certain city leader comes under human flesh search.

2011: In the second round of Internet clean-up, all search engines are
closed.  The major portals and the newspapers publish articles with
titles such as "Searching made us lazy people," "Internet searching
seriously detrimental to ability of elementary school students to use
their brains" and so on.  The leaders say, "we never use Internet
searching.  The situation today says clearly that Internet search has
a hundred bad points and nothing good whatsoever."

2011: Baidu is acquired by Pepsi Cola and becomes an official beverage website.

2012: Sina.com reports that a certain village leader received 500 yuan
in bribes.  This news story is rated as the top news story in China
for the year 2012 with more than 500 million page views.  Many people
read it repeatedly.  Even after censorship, there are more than 1
million comments.  Many people think that this was a new high point in
watchdog journalism.  But according to the Internet polling, 90% of
netizens still think that the news story should not have been
published because it destroys social stability and may lead to ethnic

2012:  Elementary school students denounce Sina.com for having an
erect nipple.  Sina.com is shut down for re-organization.

2012: All forums stop accepting registrations or comments.  The
Chinese Writers Association and the Chinese Literary Union take over
the Internet to become Internet content providers.  The Internet goes
back from Web 3.0 to Web 0.3.  The Internet is read-only with no
comments being allowed.

2013: The Elementary School Students Healthy Development Committee
denounces Sina.com for having another erect nipple.

2014: Sina.com ("new wave" in Chinese) is acquired by Mountain Dew
("powerful wave" in Chinese) and becomes an official beverage website.

2015: The government cuts off the Internet altogether.  A universal
online computer is introduced.  This is the only way to go online.
This computer does not have a keyboard.  You are only given a mouse.
The slogan for the re-organization project is "You only have a mouse
-- what can you do?"

2016: The number of Internet users in China drops down to 1 million.
All websites are merged into a single website.  It does not matter
what URL you enter because you will be directed to that website.  All
updates are synchronized to the People's Daily.  In the same year, the
Internet industry disappears in China.  This causes 5 million people
in the Internet-related industry to lose their jobs either directly or
indirectly.  The disappearance of e-mail means that the previously
closed but now revived Postal Office hires 100,000 of them.  But 4.9
million people still have no jobs.  At the same time, almost 1 million
Fifty-cent Gang members lose their jobs.  The Fifty-cent Gang members
complain that they worked like dogs for their whole lives but now they
don't even get pensions.

2016: The People's Daily writes: One industry was sacrificed in return
for the stability of the nation, but it was worthwhile.

2016: <Network News> comments that the nation faced the risk of
break-up if the Internet industry had continued.  The anti-China
forces outside the nation and the splittists inside China were using
the Internet to incite the masses.  Fortunately, the relevant
departments took strong measure and prevented the situation from

2016: Zhou Jiugeng is vindicated.  He gets out of jail and becomes the
Minister of Information Industry.  Meanwhile Yu Qiuyu is appointed as
the Minister of Culture.

2016: The 1 million jobless Fifty-cent Gang members have no other
skills and therefore could not find new jobs.  They could not feed
themselves.  Several tens of thousands of Fifty-cent Gang members
gather in Beijing.  During Children's Day, 150,000 Fifty-cent Gang
members sit down in front of the government headquarters office to
conduct a silent hunger strike.  They ask the government to arrange
jobs for them, give them credit for their prior work, and grant them
public service worker status retroactively.  The People's Daily writes
that the government never had the job position of Internet
commentator.  Therefore, all those Fifty-cent Gang members wrote on
their own.  The Fifty-cent Gang members are unable to show any labor
contract to prove that they had an worker-employer relationship with
the government.

The spokesperson for the Fifty-cent Gang members say that they were
underground agents who had done great work to secure national

The government gives the Fifty-cent gang members three days to leave
Beijing or face arrest.  People's Daily writes that if one praises the
government, one should not apply pressure on the government.  Praising
the government cannot be a condition for obtaining money.  Praises
should be uncompensated.

2016: The Fifty-cent Gang members continue their hunger strike.  The
citizens say that they fully support the hunger strike by the
Fifty-cent Gang members.  They also do not provide any food to hunger
strikers and they block off all possible channels that can bring food
in.  Thus, they make sure that the Fifty-cent Gang members will stick
to their hunger strike.

The next day, Minister of Culture Yu Qiuyu visits the scene of the
hunger strike and reads the "Tearful advice to the Fifty-cent Gang."
The Fifty-cent Gang members say that Minister Yu's speech is too
profound for them to understand.

2016: The Fifty-cent Gang is accused of the crimes of illegal
assembly, illegal marching, illegal demonstration, attacking the
government, violently resisting against the law, smearing the
government, endangering public security, disrupting social order,
spitting in public, etc.  The organizers are arrested.  But the
government says that they will be lenient towards blind followers who
don't know the truth and offer them an opportunity to reinvigorate
themselves: they give 50 cents to each of them to feed their hunger.
<Network News> comments on the scene: Fifty-cent Gang members see
fifty cents and break out in tears.

2016: The Fifty-cent Gang crisis is peacefully resolved, once again
showing the ability of the Party and the government to maintain
stability.  The Fifty-cent Gang leader tells the CCTV reporter on
camera: "I am so sorry about before."

2017: Unemployment figures continue to rise drastically.  The collapse
of the Internet industry leads to a serious economic recession.  The
government says that the manufacturing industry will be the backbone
of the nation once more.  China will use all its natural resources to
export at low prices.

2017: Hostile anti-China forces overseas get together and mislead the
United Nations and various nations to pass a resolution to forbid the
importing of Chinese goods anywhere in the world in order to express
their opposition to the shutdown of the Internet in China.  The
Chinese government issues strong condemnations.  They say that the
administration of the Internet in China is an internal matter which
other countries have no right to interfere with.  The other countries
counter that it is also an internal matter for them to ban Chinese
goods and China has no right to interfere with that either.

2019:  It is the military parade on the seventieth anniversary of the
founding of the nation.  On that day, the government announces that
China will lock down its national borders and concentrate on
strengthening itself so that all reactionary forces will tremble in
fear.  On that day, China makes a statement to the rest of the world:
"If you stop beating someone for 3 days, he/she may get on the roof
and remove tiles."  Many nations say that they don't know how to
translate this sentence.

2020: ...

2020:  Earth is destroyed.  The descendants of the Mayans say that it
is normal to see a margin of error of plus or minus ten years on such